


shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't

by maxelau



Series: in a parallel universe [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bad Decisions, Comedy, Dancer Lee Jeno, Drinking, Feels, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin Are Best Friends, M/M, Making Out, Mentioned Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Minor Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Na Jaemin is Whipped, Na Jaemin-centric, idk how to tag but whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23664460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxelau/pseuds/maxelau
Summary: It was a morning similar to any other mornings. These were the mornings that gave Jaemin a headache and a trickling vomit on the side of his mouth. The only thing that made it different was that he woke up with Jeno by his side.For a bewildering moment, it was unclear if they’veslept togetheror simply slept together—side-by-side with their clothes still in place.Jaemin suddenly realized he might've crossed a threshold he shouldn't.Fuck, I would like to be very much sober when we do it for the first time.He groaned to himself.orJaemin's in love with his best friend, Jeno, who's leaving the country in order to pursue his dreams. After Jeno's farewell party, things go downhill and Jaemin's unsure how the future will unfold.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Series: in a parallel universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800868
Comments: 6
Kudos: 91





	shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i am so happy that nct dream was finally confirmed as a fixed unit, what made it even more amazing was that mark lee is fucking back!!! aaaaHHHhhhHH. so, i wrote this nomin fic while i was high on the adrenaline of happiness. 
> 
> here's the [ playlist ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2UcgMKDhhlEIYQQhAbHt5tfEP_2LUWAv)

It was a morning similar to any other mornings. These were the mornings that gave Jaemin a headache and a trickling vomit on the side of his mouth. The only thing that made it different was that he woke up with Jeno by his side.

For a bewildering moment, it was unclear if they’ve  _ slept together  _ or simply slept together—side-by-side with their clothes still in place.

Jaemin could see most of Jeno's outfit from the night before, though questionably, they weren’t in the proper state Jaemin remembered them to be. Jeno’s shirt was gone, allowing Jaemin to see Jeno’s amazing physique, his pale toned arms, his strong chest, and his chiseled abs. But, what really caught Jaemin’s hazy eyes were Jeno’s pants thrown above them, hanging on the headboard. Jaemin allowed himself to peek lower, pass his trail, and thankfully Jeno was donning a pair of boxers.

Surprisingly, the bedcovers were runged messily but there was no sign of any plucking. Although Jaemin has nothing on but his unlaced converse and his half-unbuttoned jeans, he still wasn’t sure if they were able to keep their bits to themselves or did they finally do the unholy act.

Jaemin suddenly felt dreadful when he realized he might've crossed a threshold he shouldn't. _ Fuck, I would like to be very much sober when we do it for the first time.  _ He groaned to himself. 

Beside him, Jeno rolled over, almost smacking Jaemin straight in the lips with his elbow. He then hummed softly and scooted closer to Jaemin’s side until his lips were narrowingly touching Jaemin’s neck. Jaemin scrunched his nose, Jeno’s hair stank of cigarettes, and his breath was a mixture of vodka and what seemed like vomit. Though Jaemin had it worse, the back of throat tasted of cherry chapstick, the bitterness of gin, and acidic bile that didn’t seem to get out of his throat from the earlier hours they were passed out.

For a brief second, Jaemin heard footsteps ringing in his head, adding to the already annoying pounding in his head and Jeno decided it was a great idea to sigh. Jaemin gulped—tasting the bile, before shivering because of Jeno’s warm breath softly gliding across his skin.  _ Fucking great.  _

The snap of the drapes being pulled back allowed the sunlight to harshly stream through the bedroom and Jaemin threw his hands over his face. “Fuck,” he croaked. Jeno flailed awake like he was splashed with a bucket of cold water. He rolled over, found Jaemin’s body, groaned protestingly, but continued anyway. By the time Jeno found the perfect position to stretch his legs and arms, his head was on top of Jaemin’s stomach. Jaemin wasn’t happy about it. The pressure on his stomach almost made his bladder spill. They must have drunken an extravagant amount last night if he was this busted and ready to pee at any second. 

“Get up assholes,” Jaemin heard Renjun grumble from the other side of the room. Jaemin could only make out his slender silhouette thanks to the blinding sunlight behind him but he could tell that his left eyebrow was arched and that his arms were crossed. Today was going to be a torture fest. If Renjun was able to slip in his bedroom with permission from Jaemin’s older brother, then whatever happened last night might have been worse than what Jaemin initially thought, but with their current stature, shagging your best friend might be the tip of the iceberg. 

“Jaehyun made breakfast,” Renjun continued, ignoring Jeno’s attempt to throw one of Jaemin’s stuffed bears at him. It rolled lazily on the wooden floor and barely touched Renjun’s foot. This slightly made Jaemin smile, Jeno was truly adorable when he was annoyed and half-awake. 

Breakfast sounded like heaven until Jaemin realized it was still the wee hours of the morning. That was probably why he was so smashed. Na Jaemin prided himself for having a functioning body and mind after drinking heavily the night before, given if it was three in the afternoon and the task did not require him to run errands around the city or stay sane during one of his lectures. But, it seemed like it was only 9 am, truly an ungodly hour. 

“Jeno, Doyoung called and asked if you’re okay. Said he didn’t hear from you after you left,” Renjun said while walking towards the door, well Jaemin hoped it was the door Renjun was going to and not his bathroom which was most likely going to be completely mortifying with vomit and whatever form of liquid a human can produce. 

Jeno hummed against Jaemin’s neck and for a brief second their eyes met. Jaemin has always found Jeno’s eyes to be one of the most beautiful things on the planet, correction, even the goddamn universe. His lashes were long and thick. They webbed against the redness of his cheeks. Despite his strong features, a sharp jawline, and a tall nose, the little beauty mark between his right cheekbone and eye made him look softer, even prince-like. Jaemin was also probably high with whatever he smoked last night or drank because Jeno’s chapped lips looked so plump and kissable that he almost swept lower to meet them but stopped himself in time when Renjun cleared his throat. 

“Should I leave you guys so you can recover?” he asked as there was a hint of mischievousness in his voice. 

Ripping their eyes off each other, they simultaneously answered, “Yes please.” They hear Renjun leave and finally, the door clicks closed. Outside, Jaemin could hear the familiar busy metropolitan streets—the honking of cars, the speeding of tires against asphalt, and birds chirping. Then Jeno grumbled loudly similar to that of an angered bear and Jaemin smirked. 

“It looked like you had fun last night darling.” 

Jeno kicked him in the stomach and Jaemin almost spilled something a twenty-one-year-old shouldn’t, his fucking piss. Jaehyun would kill him if he peed on his sheets. 

“Well, you smell like shit Na,” Jeno retorted back while he got up. Jaemin slid off the bed and onto the cold wooden floor. It felt nice there but what made it extra special was watching Jeno stretch his whole body in a wobbly Bambi-like fashion. Jeno tip-toed, his arms extended above his head and his fingers clasped together. He was flexible like any contemporary dancer was. Lee Jeno was a beautiful boy, his waist was slim that any woman would be begging to snatch it away from him. His black hair was fluffy and messy all at the same time but it made him look like a Hugo Boss underwear model than a broomstick. His legs were long and toned in all the right places, and his ass—yes, Jaemin was still probably drunk, was fucking plump. 

When finally Jeno exhaled after his morning stretch he suddenly whimpered and curled his body. Jaemin stood up, this time he was the wobbly one, and reached over to Jeno’s hunched figure. Jeno held onto his lower back like something was gnawing at it. “What’s wrong?” Jaemin asked, the hangover slowly seeping out of his head. Jeno shook his head, “my back hurts like it’s burning man, kinda sore.” 

Jaemin paled. Dismissing the thought,  _ no, we did fucking not.  _

He steadied Jeno and slowly dragged him to the edge of the bed. Jeno sat down and looked at him with the same arched eyebrow as Renjun’s earlier. They’ve been hanging out too much these days, Renjun’s rubbing off on him. Jaemin thought to himself.

“Jaemin,” Jeno started when he was finally comfortable and Jaemin was crouching in front of him, making Jeno taller. 

“What did we do last night?” 

Jaemin bit his lip and said, “We drank and partied,” like he was stating the obvious. Jeno rolled his eyes and then softly kicked him in the stomach, almost touching Jaemin’s bladder in the process.  _ Jesus Christ _ , he really needed to pee. 

“I know that already. After the third round of drinks, I lost it,” Jeno gestured at Jaemin’s messy bedroom, with some of his school papers scattered on the floor and their clothes haphazardly all over the room. 

“Everything is hazy from then on Jeno,” Jaemin admitted and sighed. Trying to ransack his brain for any sort of memory was like swimming in muddy water without any safety goggles on. He got up and when his legs straightened he felt his body reacted. If he doesn’t relieve himself, it might result in his demise or a premature emptying of his bladder. He left Jeno’s pondering figure—he looked cute, incredibly cute, his lips curved into a small pout and his brows creased ever so slightly. He stared intently on the floor that Jaemin thought he might finally boreholes on them while he hobbled to his bathroom. 

When Jaemin was about to shut the door close, Jeno turned around and faced Jaemin. He took a deep breath and with determined eyes asked, “Do you think we—?” Before Jeno could finish his words Jaemin beat him to it, “We didn’t Jeno. Whatever you’re thinking, we didn’t.”

“Oh,” Jeno said softly, he wasn’t sure if he was hearing it right but there seemed to be a hint of disappointment in his voice. Jaemin inhaled and left the door open while he peed. The two of them were comfortable enough like this. Two best friends who saw each other naked even before they understood what naked meant and what falling in love entailed. 

“We’re okay Jaemin, right? We’ll always be best friends, right?” Jeno asked, his voice almost not reaching Jaemin’s ears. When Jaemin zipped his pants closed, he relocated to the sink and opened the faucet. The water streamed straight onto his palms. Its freezing temperature woke Jaemin up from the drunken haze.

“Of course Jeno, no matter,” Jaemin paused. The reality of their relationship finally dawning into him. Jaemin can never have him, the world won’t allow it. No matter how hard he tries, Jeno would always find ways to slip away from him like a silken thread. “We’ll always be best friends.”

Jeno doesn’t answer or if he ever did Jaemin failed to hear him.

After washing his face and leaving the bathroom, he found his room empty. Jeno left, his pants on the headboard gone, his phone on the stand—poof! And one of Jaemin’s shirt vanished. It was the one he wore last night. What’s only left was a heavy feeling in Jaemin’s stomach and Jeno’s shirt.

He sighed helplessly. This was not how he imagined his last few days with Jeno would be like— uncertain of whether they had drunk sex, which they have never crossed before.  _ Holy shit!  _ They haven’t kissed yet. Jaemin wanted to at least be sober enough to touch Jeno’s lips with his own, his hands cupping his face and their nose almost bumping because Jeno’s nose is as tall as Jaemin’s ego, but sadly, they might have already fornicated, drunk, which Jaemin explicitly stated (to himself nonetheless) that he wants to be fucking awake when they do it. Not like this. Not drunk after a party, not just any party, a farewell one. 

In less than two weeks, Jeno is off to Japan chasing his dreams and leaving everything behind. And in less than two weeks, Jaemin was unsure if he was ready to live without Jeno by his side. 

“Stop being dramatic. You left for London for an entire year until the university kicked you out for sleeping with one of the dean’s daughters,” Renjun’s mouth quirked upwards. He was sitting on the sofa, legs propped up on the coffee table. 

London was a story Jaemin only talked about once. It was a topic he did not want to get back to especially after what actually happened there. First and foremost, he did not fuck the dean’s daughter. He didn’t even know her name or if she went to the same university. In reality, he failed his English class and was advised to go back to South Korea and continue his studies there. It wasn’t that deep but it definitely gave him the biggest slap in the face. Life was weird and that you can’t run away from everything. Even from your first love. The only real reason why Jaemin took the opportunity to study in a foreign country was that staying too close was too much. Jaemin did not want to self-destruct and ruin everything for everybody. So, like any reasonable twenty-year-old, he ran away.

Jaemin grabbed the pitcher from the fridge and poured himself a glass of water. It was the kind of water with lemon slices floating in them. At times they tasted refreshing but sometimes, they tasted total whack. Jaemin truly doesn’t understand what kind of healthy lifestyle Jaehyun’s trying to achieve. Vegan meat for lunch? Good gracious, he would rather swallow a whole turkey than eat that sorry excuse for a copy cat meat. 

Jaemin threw Renjun a rather deadly glare before drinking the water. He was neatly dressed now since he finally took a much-needed shower. Sadly, his pink hair was still damp and it made him look like a newly born chick with drinking problems. 

Speaking of being born, Renjun was definitely born with this pretense of annoying anyone he’s friends with. Jaemin thought Renjun’s only victim was his equally annoying and noisy boyfriend, Donghyuck but it upgraded to everyone. Ever since they started dating, which was only five months ago, they were inseparable. Not only physically, but as well as their ridiculous banter and mission to piss everyone off. 

“Ooh, what’s that? You’ve got something peculiar up there,” Renjun pointed at his neck. 

Jaemin flushed, he patted his neck looking for that familiar yet irritating sting, but to no avail, he was lost. 

“Hmm, how did that get there?” Renjun asked with a smirk while Jaemin scrambled to look for any sort of surface that could grant him his reflection. 

“Fuck,” Jaemin muttered when he finally saw himself through one of his brother’s huge vase. The  _ thing  _ wasn’t on his neck but just around his collarbone blooming like a flower of bruises. 

“Was it a lady? Oh, wait no, a man? Or much better was it—”

“I swear to God Renjun if you don’t shut up, I’m mauling you out of here,” he hissed, eyes still studying the ridiculous hickey on his body.

“Don’t need to get feisty Na.”

Jaemin sighed and fixed his button-up to hide it from prying eyes, “I’d tell you if I remembered anything from last night.” But when did he get so agitated over a goddamn hickey? He would even walk into class smelling like sex, cigarettes with multitudes of hickeys all over his body. What made it different? He really didn’t need to ask that question, deep inside he already knew why. 

It could be Jeno. Jeno on him, sucking his skin, his teeth grazing the flesh and leaving a mark that could mean that he was Jaemin’s and Jeno was his. But, Jaemin wasn’t sure. He would like to believe it was Jeno’s doing, oh how wonderful would it be if it was Jeno, disappointingly, it could be some random chick he met last night and hooked up with at the stinky club restroom. 

Jaemin shook his head and walked towards Renjun. He sat beside him said, “It’s a burden, really.” 

Renjun looked at him confusedly, “What are you talking about?”

“Being this handsome. Not a man or a woman could get enough of me.” Renjun snorted, “You poor fucker. Everyone falls helplessly in love with you.”

“I know right! But I can’t blame them. If I saw myself in a crowd, I would fall for me too,” Jaemin flashed him one of his best toothy grins but this was Renjun, tiny Renjun who was head-over-heels for Donghyuck like he was the only guy with a dick in the universe, a smile from Jaemin wouldn’t work. The guy was already vaccinated from Jaemin’s own virus.

“Ah yes, but he can’t make his best friend fall in love with him,” Renjun smirked. Jaemin hated it when Renjun was being this annoyingly blunt. Fuck him and his Aries sun or whatever the fuck that was. 

Like any mature adult in the world, Jaemin simply replied with a firm, “Fuck you.” Renjun knew him so well, but not in a friendly way, he knew so well he knew how to tick Jaemin off just by breathing.

“No thanks, Na. Donghyuck already has that covered.”

“Oh for fuck sakes—”

Before Jaemin could finish his complaint, Jaehyun entered their shared apartment sporting three paper bags filled to the brim. Was it a Sunday? They only brought groceries every other Sunday.  _ Shit,  _ it was already Sunday. That means Jeno has only ten days left before he leaves South Korea. 

Jaemin got up and offered to help his brother with the things he bought. “Thanks, man,” Jaehyun grunted while he propped them on the kitchen counter. When they were settled, Jaehyun patted his shirt and asked, “Where’s Jeno?” 

Jaemin puffed his cheeks, “He left earlier, Doyoung was looking for him.” Jaehyun hummed in response. “I hope you guys had a great time last night.”

“Oh someone definitely had more than fun last night,” Renjun singsonged while he grabbed the banana milk Jaehyun offered him and sat on one of the bar stools. Jaehyun’s head shot up from the groceries and immediately he looked at his younger brother’s direction. “Did you and Jeno finally...” he trailed.

Jaemin’s mouth hung open while he suspiciously threw another glare at Renjun who simply raised his arms in defense.  _ Not me.  _ He mouthed.

“How do you know this?” Jaemin asked cautiously. He never said anything that would be too suspicious for his brother to know. Jaehyun shrugged, “Jaemin, you stare at him like you’re about to eat him alive.” 

Jaemin bit his lip and nodded, “Okay.” Jaehyun was now watching him with careful eyes. “Am I that obvious?” Jaemin warily asked.

“Honey, you’re face is a whole freaking scene whenever you see him. After you returned from that thing in Europe, you won’t stop looking at him like he’s the goddamn world. It’s disgusting at times,” Renjun said dryly. Jaemin bites off a condescending response and stayed quiet. 

Jaehyun nodded in agreement. His dimples popping while doing so,  _ yeap,  _ they were definitely a good-looking family, no wonder his brother’s a model and Jaemin, well Jaemin’s getting there. He prefers the attention given to him. The second glances meant they found him unbelievingly attractive, the third meant they want to be with him. These days, he didn’t want that attention from some stranger at the bar or during a campus party apart from Jeno. 

“So, what happened last night?” Jaehyun interjected.

“I don’t know,” Jaemin admitted. Renjun sighed and threw his empty carton of banana milk towards Jaemin’s direction. Since Jaemin was too lost in his thoughts, he didn’t notice it and the carton hits his forehead. Renjun, being the massive dick he was, didn’t drink everything, and some of the milk splattered on Jaemin’s face. 

“Renjun,” he gritted. Renjun simply rolled his eyes, “You asshole. You don’t remember shit from last night?”

Jaemin pulled a paper towel from one of the drawers and patted himself dry, “Didn’t you hear me the first time genius? I don’t recall shit. Everything’s hazy and all over the place.”

Renjun crossed his arms and simply said, “You fucker. That’s why he looked so pissed.” Jaemin was about to ask Renjun what he meant when Jeno look so pissed when a loud ringing resounded in the small apartment. The three of them started looking at each other with confusion.

“Renjun?” Jaehyun asked. Renjun shook his head in response, “Not mine. I’m always in silent mode. Jaemin?”

Jaemin fumbled to grab his phone from the edge of the counter. When he opened it and saw a message on his lock screen. It wasn’t from his phone carrier to pay his bills or a scammer.

Instead, it was from Jeno. 

“It’s Jeno,” he whispered. Renjun jumped off the counter stool and hopped to Jaemin’s side to take a peek. 

“ _ Sorry I left earlier. Doyoung was getting worried so I had to go to his place. I rented a karaoke room for tonight. Would you like to hang out just the two of us and talk about last night?”  _ Renjun read out loud. Jaemin punched him in the arm, “Stop prying on other’s stuff!”

“Hey! You’re the one who kept whining to me about your crush on Jeno. I’m doing everything in my power to help you,” Renjun replied defensively. If Renjun’s help ever did work, which definitely wouldn’t, things would get too complicated. Jeno was going to study dance in Japan. The university offered him a scholarship grant and of course, Jeno took the chance. Who wouldn’t? Jaemin was already going through shit. One year without Jeno was crucifying, it felt like a thousand years went by. And now that he’s back from London, it was Jeno’s turn to fly. 

“Should I go?” Jaemin asked. His voice was softer than usual. Renjun’s nose flared, “Obviously! You are an idiot! While you’re at it, might as well ask him what happened last night.”

The karaoke room smelled of Clorox and what seemed like a citrus air freshener. It was an attempt to keep the place clean and Jaemin wasn't sure if he should be appreciative or not. The smell pierced his nostrils and added to his already present headache. Last night’s escapades were still banging inside of Jaemin’s head. Before heading out to meet Jeno, Jaehyun made sure he took some ibuprofen to lessen the pain, but Jaemin wasn’t sure if his headache was because of last night’s drink or his body being a nervous mess.

The karaoke room was like any other karaoke room in the country. On one side of the room, a huge LED TV was propped on the wall. It played random music videos from different idol groups. This time it was girls dancing happily about fruits and juices. It was quite peculiar. Never mind that, he and Jeno were sitting on the opposite side, where a white sofa was located. Oddly enough, the party lights were turned off, only a light blue hue gave light to the small room. It seemed like Jeno forgot to point out, they were in a karaoke room for couples. When he asked Jeno why the heck he reserved this room, he simply said, “It’s the weekend Na. Everybody’s having fun and this was the only room available.”

Their shoulders were bumping while Jeno flipped through the catalog and it would be a lie if Jaemin said he wasn’t conscious of Jeno. Tonight Jeno was unapologetically handsome. His fluffy black hair was styled differently. It was parted on the side and Jaemin could take a peek of his holy forehead. His hoodie was black and hid most of his figure but nevertheless, his skin-tight jeans highlighted his long toned legs. If he could drool, Jaemin would have flooded the entire floor by now, yet, he was being civil. He was being the usual Jaemin best friend next to Jeno. 

Tonight, it was Jeno who ordered buckets and buckets of beer and along with it were a few bottles of soju. The two of them were finishing another bottle of soju as if last night’s gig wasn’t enough. Jeno was drinking more than his usual and it was making him giggly. The alcohol was probably already kicking in their system because Jaemin was feeling it too— happy, almost giddy and a little bit too bold. They were alone, in a karaoke booth singing to Love on Top and a shit ton of western songs in mumbled English. 

Jaemin started to notice he was nearing his limit when he felt the water in his stomach slosh around when he and Jeno started to jump and scream around. Yet, he ignored it. In a long time, this was probably one of his happiest days. 

In his whole life, there wasn’t a single bad memory with Jeno. It was always filled with smiles and flowers. Jeno was his happy pill, his sunshine, the fucking sun to his galaxy. He was everything to Jaemin and the idea of Jeno leaving him was a foreign thought. Jeno was constantly by his side. They were literally two peas in a pod. Ever since he was a child, Jaemin knew he and Jeno were always going to be together. It didn’t matter if Jeno was going to marry someone else, even if it would crush him, Jaemin would probably mope for the next thirty years but at least Jeno will still be by his side. 

Maybe Jeno realized it was time to grow up. But, in this world filled with seven billion people there were best friends who stayed together even if they grew up. 

He really could not fathom the idea of separation. It was impossible. Still, here he was indulging Jeno’s wishes because who knows when they’ll see each other again?

Jeno rested his chin on Jaemin’s shoulder and placed his leg over Jaemin’s lap. Caught off-guard, Jaemin went off-key while singing to Park Hyoshin’s Snow Flower. Jeno looked at Jaemin starry-eyed, “Having fun Jaemin?” Jeno’s fingers found its way to Jaemin’s hair and he brushed them softly. 

Jaemin tried to hide his nervousness by shuffling in his seat to find a more comfortable position—the microphone was already discarded at the side and the music had already finished when Jaemin accidentally brushed his lips against Jeno’s ear. In his defense, it was a miscalculation, he was drunk and Jeno who was not a clingy person was literally on his lap. Jeno chuckled and Jaemin could feel his chest vibrating against his. Jaemin bit his lip, praying Jeno doesn’t hear his booming heartbeat. It was embarrassing how jittery he was.

"Maybe, but it seems like you are darling," Jaemin managed to reply. Singing was not their forte. It was an art he deeply appreciated and adored but he and Jeno simply sucked at it. Well, Jeno has potential if he had formal training. His voice was soft and silvery. He would suit ballad songs. Jaemin never did understand why Jeno was so into karaoke. If he was stressed, he would sneak out of his dormitory to go to the nearest booth and sing his lungs out. Or, when he celebrates it needs to have some karaoke included in it. Maybe, the reason why he asked Jaemin to join him was that they didn't get to do it last night. But then again, why leave Renjun and the gang out? Chenle and Renjun were vocally trained as kids but Donghyuck was the one who was studying it in university, so having them in this little party was perfect, instead of their out of tune and awful high notes.

For a moment, he took a quick glance at Jeno's face, he was smiling. It was the smile Jaemin loved the most, the way Jeno's eyes turned into little crescents with whiskers on each side, always making him weak in the knees. It made Jeno look like a dog, a Samoyed, Jaemin's favorite breed. 

Jeno abruptly directed his eyes at Jaemin and suddenly the words that tumbled out of Jeno's mouth made Jaemin freeze in his seat. 

"You have the prettiest and kissable lips Jaemin. No wonder everyone just wants to kiss you, they want to be with you." There was a bright flush on Jeno's cheeks, Jaemin was uncertain if it was from the alcohol or Jeno realized he just said something absurd. 

"What?" Jaemin leaned in closer.

"Nothing," he said softly, almost a whisper. "That wasn't nothing dear, that was a whole sentence," Jaemin mused. This was getting interesting. Too interesting. And he'll make do with it.

Jeno grumbled on and stirred on Jaemin's lap. He looked awake now, out of the alcohol's trance. Jaemin moved his hand towards the back of Jeno and slowly slid a finger against it. Jeno shivered and gulped. Jaemin, completely entranced by Jeno's Adam's apple bobbing up and down, smirked. His face was now getting flusher as every second passed and it would be a lie if Jaemin didn't find it amusing and a little bit hot, okay, maybe extremely hot. 

"Fine," Jeno pouted, his lips were pink, almost pale but they were definitely glossier than usual, not that Jaemin was always looking at Jeno's lips to observe such a feat. Jeno blew a short breath, then scrunched his nose, pretending to feign innocence. It seemed like he was trying to fight the grin that was spreading across his face. "I said, you have the prettiest and kissable lips." 

Jeno ducked his chin out of Jaemin's shoulder and started laughing shyly. His eyes were now avoiding Jaemin's own, but he was still close enough for Jaemin to see his thick curled lashes. Jaemin wanted to sit back and say something coy, so they can both just forget whatever that was and play it as a joke— he wanted to do it so badly. But then Jeno licked his lips while his eyes swiftly glanced towards Jaemin's mouth in a way that seemed out of his consciousness. 

Jaemin wanted to stop himself while it was still early, yet he wanted those lips against his. He wanted it so badly, just the stupid thought of it made his mind go hazy and all of the blood in his mind leaving. The alcohol he drank wasn't helping either, he was this close stepping into that part of him that would do something terrible, ridiculous, actions that he would regret the next day and he can never change. His rational self must've taken a flight somewhere else because right now, no matter how hard he tried to stop, Jeno was gripping his arm tightly and his eyes still haven't left Jaemin's lips.

So, like any other reasonable human being on earth, Jaemin leaned in and finally kissed Jeno on the mouth. 

He intended it to be a swift and clean peck, you know just for a little laugh if Jeno would find it funny. A little something they can laugh about when they get older.  _ Hey, remember when you were drunk and we started making out? Yeah, me too. _

Before Jaemin could pull away with accepting the fact they'll never be more than this, Jeno placed his hand on the back of Jaemin's neck and pressed Jaemin against him. In a blink of an eye, the tables have turned. It wasn't Jaemin kissing Jeno, it was Jeno kissing Jaemin.

For a solid minute, Jaemin was simply at awe. His mind was going haywire,  _ good God this is actually happening.  _ Jeno was kissing him. Lips on lips. He was  _ literally kissing me. _ Sure, alcohol was not a good idea when it comes to your bottled feelings, but right now, Na Jaemin was definitely sober enough to see things unfolding in front of him— on his goddamn lap. It felt  _ good.  _ It felt  _ too good to be true.  _ Ever since he was fifteen, he imagined how this kiss would play in his head. Thousands of times he would pretend Jeno would just knock him out with a breathtaking kiss. But right now, this was a thousand times better than his wet dreams or his previous kisses from different lovers and one-night stands. This was at the top of the food chain, god tier, it was fucking phenomenal. 

When he finally got his bearings, Jaemin kissed Jeno back with much intensity. Jaemin wasn't sure if he should place his hands on Jeno's slim waist or on his hair or what, honestly, years of practice can never really prepare you with the actual thing. Out of nowhere, Jaemin was already snaking his under Jeno's shirt. He was feeling frantic and scrambly, annoyed with the clothing that separated him from Jeno's body. He wanted his fingers to glide in every single skin and crevice of his body. He wanted to touch everything, absolutely every single fucking thing. Then, when Jeno couldn't get any more ballsy than this, he slipped his tongue into Jaemin's mouth and Jaemin swore he almost lost it. He was drowning in the feelings, he was drowning in Jeno's force against him. He felt like he was on literal fire. His heart was pounding loudly against his chest but Jeno's muffled breathing was so utterly distracting. 

Jaemin licked Jeno's upper lip and tugged his lower one between Jaemin's teeth and worked it gently. Jeno has now completely occupied Jaemin's lap. This time, it was Jeno's fingers that crawled into Jaemin's shirt and this made Jaemin's breath hitched in surprise. Jeno's cold fingers set fire on Jaemin's kiss. Every single molecule in Jaemin's fire was burning—like fireworks or the world ending. It was a mess, Jaemin was a mess. How could he not be when Jeno was working him into this. He was already trying his utmost best to stay soft while Jeno's fingers glided through Jaemin's chest by thinking about the grossest thing he could imagine but Jeno was doing such a great job to keep Jaemin's attention on him. 

Slowly, Jaemin ran his tongue down Jeno's neck, so enthusiastically that he almost scraped his skin. Jeno inhaled softly with his head neck tipped upward, giving Jaemin more access. Somehow, Jeno's hands found its way on Jaemin's pink hair and he gripped onto them tightly, almost ripping Jaemin's hair off. This, whatever the heck this was, was definitely not ending anytime soon. Jaemin, who was probably the only sober from both of them, was quite aware that they were in a karaoke room, not his bedroom nor Jeno's. Nevertheless, it didn't matter. Jaemin wasn't sure if he could have this. Everything didn't matter. Only this moment was important, nothing else, not even the kid who handles the booth by the entrance of the karaoke bar. 

"Jaemin," Jeno gasped. Jaemin doesn't stop and continues to assault one spot of Jeno's neck until a bruise blooms into existence. But then Jeno suddenly takes Jaemin's face on his hands and raises it to face him, "Stop." And Jaemin does so.

They stare into each other's eyes while they try to catch their breath after  _ that.  _ Jaemin seemed winded like he had been running a whole marathon, while Jeno looked absolutely gorgeous. His lips were red and his black his hair was sticking all over. But what really was the catch of this was the hickey on Jeno's neck. If he wasn't so out of it Jaemin might have smirked. It was a masterpiece on Jeno, not only because it looked good on him but because it was Jaemin's doing. Jeno inhaled, licked his lips, and stared at him dead in the eyes. Jaemin's hands were still under Jeno's shirt and he doesn't know if he should remove it or not. "Are you serious about this?" Jeno asked.

"Yes," Jaemin said before he could catch himself. When Jeno's eyes widened in surprise, Jaemin scrambled to say, "No. I don't know?" Not now. He can't be asking this right now. Not when in less than two weeks Jeno will be leaving him for a different country, to live a different life, and to pursue his dreams. Despite that, Jaemin loves him too much, he will support him till the end of time. Even if Jeno wanted to study dance on Mars Jaemin would gladly send him off. But this, no matter how much he wanted this. He cannot risk it, not when everything is about to change. 

Jeno's nose flared and he whipped Jaemin's hands off of his body. He slid out of his lap and stood up, "Forget it then. I guess last night didn't matter to you."

Jaemin suddenly shot up from the sofa and faced Jeno. Sometimes, he forgets how the two of them are the same height. Because whenever Jeno sits beside him, he would look smaller, maybe it was his slim figure or Jaemin's shoulders are just ridiculously wide. Jaemin scrambled to find the right words.  _ Fuck,  _ he forgot to consult Jeno about what happened last night. The kissing really caught him off-guard. With a shaky breath, Jaemin asked, "What happened last night Jen?"

Jaemin could see Jeno's hands curl into a tight fist. He then started to circle the small room while trying to fix his hair. Jaemin stayed rooted in the same spot, watching his best friend cautiously. 

When he stopped, Jaemin flinched and Jeno's eyes softened, "Are you serious?" Jaemin nodded aimlessly. He wasn't sure how he should answer the question. He still doesn't remember anything, only bits, and pieces. Some of the memories were hazy, some of them were questionably out of this world. The only he can clearly recall was downing one shot before dragging Jeno into the dance floor. That was it, after that, he was woken up by Renjun, with clothes all over the place Jeno beside him and a pounding headache.

Jeno exhaled shakily, "Okay Na. I'm not going to tell you what happened last night. Never. It was important to me, even though I was fucking smashed out of my wits. I remembered it so clearly. If it was as important to you as it was to me, then, you would've remembered even a tiny bit of it."

"Just tell me. What the fuck happened last night?" Jaemin gritted through his teeth. This conversation was getting complicated. Earlier it was heaven on earth, now it was downright hell. 

Jeno shook his head, his eyes almost watering, Jaemin wanted to inch closer, to hug him. When he did so, Jeno raised a defensive hand, "Do not come near me Jaemin. If you really do love me you wouldn't." Jaemin stopped on his tracks. His heart pounding, his palms sweaty and his whole body shaking. "What happened last night, Jeno, tell me," he begged. 

"Nothing happened last night Jaemin," Jeno finally said. He patted his shirt and swept his hair to his side. He then hurriedly grabbed his bag and phone then said, "Oh, just so you know. I'm leaving earlier than planned." He was now near the door. 

"What?" Jaemin exclaimed. Disbelief crossing his face.  _ No, no, no this is not happening.  _ Everything was escalating too quickly, it was like a ticking time bomb. Their relationship was on the tip of the line. 

"I wanted to stay, Jaemin. I was ready to drop everything for you and stay here but I guess I'm really leaving now." 

"W-wait!" The door gently shuts and Jaemin is left standing alone in the karaoke room. 

"Wake up dumbass." 

Jaemin heard the curtains being pulled once again and a stream of sunlight once again slapped him straight in the face. Deja vu. Except, this time Jeno wasn't beside him half-naked. Instead, Jaemin was alone with his stuffed toys, being assaulted by Renjun's annoying voice. Too groggy to register what was going on, Jaemin was suddenly attacked by a very death-gripped bear hug. 

"Donghyuck, Jesus Christ let me breathe," Jaemin pleaded while Donghyuck ringed his arm around Jaemin's neck. "Might as well kill you after what you did yesterday," Renjun said while he sat on the edge of Jaemin's bed.

"How the heck do you even get in here?" Jaemin finally had the chance to elbow Donghyuck in the stomach which made him release his grip on Jaemin. Sighing defeatedly, Donghyuck crawled towards his boyfriend and rested his head on Renjun's lap. 

"Jaehyun gave us permission, we told him about your mishaps," Renjun replied while he soothingly stroked Donghyuck's brown wavy locks. Renjun was giving Donghyuck this sickening sweet look. If Jaemin didn't know them personally he would have mistaken them for the overly showy gay couple. But in reality, they were odd. Their dynamics were that of Tom and Jerry or any sort of arch-nemesis troupe. They were always fighting especially during high school. They always had the scariest glare save up for the other and the vilest words to spat at each other. Years later, here they are, unable to get enough of each other. Quite literally. Jaemin doesn't want to recall how many times he has entered Renjun's apartment while they were doing something quite nasty. 

"How did you know I fucked up last night?" 

"Oh so you did fuck up last night," Renjun snorted. "That's just so typical of you," Donghyuck added. From the corner of Jaemin's eyes, he could see the way Donghyuck would play with Renjun's free hand like it was the only thing in the world. Sometimes, Jaemin's fueled annoyance towards the couple was not because of their insults or their unnecessary snarky comments, but because he desperately wanted what they had. He wanted those still comfortable moments with Jeno, where the two of them can just be in love. No separation anxieties haunting their every move or Jaemin being unsure of Jeno's sexuality. Then again, not once did he come out to his friends or family. It simply happened, he told Jeno when they were sixteen how he kissed a guy at the back of the school's gym. And Jeno, well, he simply listened to Jaemin attentively. Now that he thought about it, not once did he hear Jeno talk about his past lovers or flings—if he ever had one. Wait, was Jeno always— never mind, it didn't matter everything was too much right now. If Jeno was gay then that’s great, if he was straight then Jaemin hoped Jeno wasn’t using him to test the waters. Jaemin shook his head, no, Jeno was not that kind of friend.

"I hate you both so much," Jaemin muttered instead. Renjun simply rolled his eyes and said, "Jeno called me last night crying on the phone. He didn't say shit but I knew you did something incredibly stupid."

Jaemin fought the bile rising on his throat. The drinks from the karaoke session were now finally getting onto him. He can feel another headache, though not as worse as the ones from the other day. It pissed him off. How he didn't have the guts to tell Jeno to stay, just stay. It doesn't matter if he didn't love Jaemin, all that mattered was that Jeno was by his side. That was enough. Now, everything was ruined because Na Jaemin could not keep it to himself he had to fucking kiss Jeno for Christ's sake.

"I kissed him," Jaemin admitted. Renjun raised an eyebrow and Donghyuck finally sat up. The way Donghyuck's hair looked like an actual bird's nest would have made him laugh but right now he was still feeling things. Very heavy things.

"That's it?" Donghyuck scrutinized. Renjun was now studying Jaemin's face with his usual death glare and mischievous eyes. After finding whatever the heck he was trying to find on Jaemin's face, he bluntly said, "You really don't remember anything do you?" 

Jaemin sighed, "I do. Kinda don't at the same time."

Donghyuck started cackling when he heard what Jaemin just said. "Oh god, you've done worse than kiss Jeno during that party."

Jaemin gulped, eyes widening, "I did?"

"Yes moron, now tell me what do you recall!" Renjun demanded. Donghyuck patted his boyfriend's cheeks and said, "Honey, stop throwing insults every time Jaemin does something stupid."

Renjun glared and protested, "I can do what I want and besides, he deserves it."

"But still," Donghyuck tried to reason. Jaemin ignored his friends and proceeded to walk towards his drawers to grab clean clothes. When he was about to reach for the bathroom's doorknob Renjun said, "Where are you going?"

Jaemin rolled his eyes. "Isn't it obvious? I'm going to take a shower." Jaemin had other plans. He was too out of it, after last night's affairs, and the other night, he hasn't caught a break from his love life. 

Yesterday morning's revelation was more than just sleeping beside your best friend, there has to be something more.

"No Jaemin. Sit your ass down. We need to talk," Renjun gritted. There was a certain fiery in his small fox-like eyes like he was ready to pounce at Jaemin and tear his heart out and feed it to the wolves. With careful steps, he disregarded his earlier plans to take a shower before facing reality at hand and be brave. If he wants to let Jeno go without a heavy heart or regrets then he needed to overcome Renjun’s wrath.

Donghyuck detached himself from his boyfriend's lap and faced Jaemin with pity in his eyes. His mouth slightly opened—he hesitated and took a shaky deep breath.

"Just say it," Jaemin offered. He was still half-naked. God forbid will Renjun let him wear a shirt. He'll have to make do with his covers. Jaemin grabbed his sheets and let himself be swallowed by it. 

"Fine," Donghyuck said airily.

"You confessed to him the other night," the room's atmosphere immediately dropped. Donghyuck and Renjun were eyeing Jaemin warily while he stared at the distance. 

Jaemin paled. His heartbeat going an extra mile an hour, his temperature dropping every second but his sweat increasing. He gulped and wet his lips, "I did?" 

He did not just do that. Jaemin refused to believe it, for years he protected what little he had of himself. Jeno was first and foremost his best friend before anything else. Jaemin, despite his mild hints and teasing touches, would always retract himself from temptation. If he would ever cross the line, he would immediately find a way to revert his attention to something else. This led to him having a whole legal pad of hookups.  _ Not the right time to think about that,  _ he mentally shook his head. His focus should be Jeno and Jeno only. Was he ready to face his truth? The consequences of the actions of his inability to control his feelings. Is he ready to own up? He shifted his gaze towards Renjun, his friend was fiddling with his fingers, it didn't help with the dread Jaemin was already experiencing. 

Renjun nodded gently, "You two were dancing. I don't know but you were so full of it. The adrenaline, the alcohol, Jeno." His voice almost tipped softly. "You two left us while making out," Renjun explained. 

Jaemin blinked, the memories slowly flooding his mind in hazy pictures and voices. His body suddenly remembers the ember touch of Jeno's on his skin while the bass echoed around the club. Sweat on sweat, breath on breath, they were never that close when they were at parties. The distance, when they danced, was always friendly, but that particular night, everything felt different. Jeno was a little too close than usual that Jaemin could smell the waft of alcohol in his breath and his musk—it was manly, woody, and almost minty. 

Everything about that farewell party was peculiar, Jeno's friends, even his seniors, and juniors in university was there but they steered clear from Jaemin and Jeno whenever they're together. Jaemin doesn't recognize all of them except for Chenle, Jisung, and Doyoung with his girlfriend. On the other hand, Renjun and Donghyuck were as always, on each other's throat, quite literally. Jaemin has never seen Renjun sit on Donghyuck's lap with such enthusiasm. It was a night filled with adrenaline and a shit ton of emotions. Before the party started, Doyoung decided it was a great idea for everyone to say their good wishes to Jeno, but Renjun immediately said it was better to do it drunk and thus, the drinks evaporated a little too early than planned. 

And drunk did they all become. They were trashed, completely, especially Jeno and Jaemin.

He could remember it now, not as clear as his friends, but he now recalls how he dragged Jeno to the dance floor while they hopped to the booming music. Out of nowhere, when Jeno's mouth grazed the soft of his ear Jaemin lost it and leaned closer to his best friend and whispered, "You know I've always loved you." Jeno's eyes widened, the usual crinkle in his eyes disappeared. He looked at Jaemin like he was crazy as if his confession was pure bullshit.

Jaemin's mouth trembled,  _ no backing out this time man. This is it. _

"Believe me Jeno, I've always loved you. It's ridiculous I would follow you anywhere if you'd let me," he rambled on and finally Jeno's lips quirked upward and his eyes shone. "You do?" 

"I do," Jaemin confirmed. They were still dancing but now Jaemin's hand has slowly crept on Jeno's hip, and Jeno's face was now resting on Jaemin's shoulder. 

"Then, why don't you follow me to Japan?"

"You know why, I can't leave Jaehyun and you already know what happened in London—"

"Europe is different from Japan," Jeno interrupted. He detached himself from Jaemin and gave him a stern look. Jaemin chuckled and said, "I'm pretty sure they're alike. They're both foreign places and both have languages I don't speak."

Jeno sighed, he caressed Jaemin's face, "I could teach you Japanese." 

There it was, Jeno's willingness to make things better for both of them but Jaemin's ego was pretty severed after his Europe stint. Rejection should be easy, yet Jaemin could not handle it. If a simple rejection from a foreign university was enough to affect him this bad, how will he handle Jeno leaving him?

"No, Japan is for you. Not for me darling," Jaemin grabbed Jeno's hand and squeezed it. "But, I don't want to leave you, not after that."

Jaemin smirked, "Not after what?" Jeno rolled his eyes but released his Jaemin's grip from his own hand. Quickly, he pulled Jaemin closer, their bodies molding like soft clay around one another. Jeno smiled, "Don't go and fuck this up Na with one of your playful acts. I'm sure I wasn't the one who said they love me and that they would follow me to Japan." 

Jeno was so close that Jaemin could clearly see the amusement in Jeno's eyes. His best friend's embrace tightened around Jaemin and this time he swiftly kissed him. Jaemin tried not to get lost in him so fast.

Too late, a sense of frenzy and heat wrapped the two of them. Jaemin couldn't seem to detach himself from what was happening. And the rest was history.

Jaemin gasped, being pulled out of his query, he touched his lips and looked at Renjun and Donghyuck with hundreds of questions in his shining eyes. He really hated himself drunk. Feelings shouldn't be expressed when one was intoxicated, especially if it was something important.

"We thought you two finally got it together. Years of sexual tension finally at ease but when the morning came Jeno told Renjun that you looked uncertain, unsure. Jeno thought you treated him like any of your flings," Donghyuck continued. 

Jaemin's lips trembled, he could still feel Jeno's lips against his, warm, soft, and eager for more. "I- Why would he think that?"

"I don't know Jaemin," Renjun admitted. His voice was now softer. "Whatever happened last night didn't help. He's leaving tomorrow afternoon." And just like that, a twinge, like a spear, is ripping his heart apart. He could not breathe, his chest felt heavy. It felt so wrong, everything just felt so wrong, so rushed, so not how he planned to confess, because Jaemin knows he wasn't supposed to confess. His feelings were supposed to die with him, be buried six feet under, his affection for Jeno should only be between him and whatever deity sat on the throne of heaven. 

Jaemin sucked in a breath, okay this was too much information in one sitting. Jeno did say he was leaving earlier than planned, but he didn't say it was fucking tomorrow— _ fuck,  _ was this why he wanted to be alone with Jaemin, but why at the karaoke bar? They could have met at Jeno's apartment, they could have spoken there and cleared things up? He was in love clearly, Jaemin was head over heels to the point that he was ready to let go for Jeno's sake. He was prepared for the reality of Jeno marrying someone else, loving someone else, living his life with someone else, as long as he was happy. But right now, Jaemin was holding to that tiny hope that he was that guy for Jeno. Because that night during the party and the karaoke shenanigans, Jeno was giving him a chance, and Jaemin, in Jaemin fashion, fucked it all up.

Suddenly Jaemin heard rustling, he saw Renjun slowly crawling to his side and draped his arm around Jaemin, this action gently eased Jaemin. Not entirely but enough to stop his mind running a million miles every second. He looked at Jaemin with those same piercing eyes a mother would give their children when they finally realized their mistakes.

"Now," he started. "What are you going to do, Na Jaemin, will you let the love of your life slip out of your hands or will you finally take out that stick up your ass and face him?" 

Jaemin did not want to fall in the rabbit hole with no escape, but drunk him decided it was worth it. Jeno was worth the risk yet he didn't realize it until it was too late. Now, for a few moments, in trickling precious seconds, the world has given him the chance to get out of the rabbit hole with a possible boyfriend at hand. 

The keys heavily weighed on his pocket while he trekked the endless stairs heading to Jeno's apartment. Luckily, Jeno lived on the topmost floor, the 5th, and stayed at the edge of the hallway. If they ever start arguing like a bunch of five-year-olds over a toy car, at least not every single neighbor Jeno has will hear them. Hopefully.

Jaemin was hopeful, a feeling he had not felt in months after being kicked out of university and back into his brother's arms. But Jeno made him hopeful, even though everything that was happening now was his fault, his drunk ass's fault.

When he reached Jeno's door he swiftly reached for the spare keys. He never used the spare keys Jeno gave him when Jeno rented this small apartment. When they hanged out it was usually at Jaehyun and Jaemin's home. And Jaemin didn't see the point of using it when he could just dramatically bang on Jeno's door but right now that felt rude. Their relationship is now on the brink of collapsing and even using the spare key felt like a stretch. 

Before Jaemin's hand could even touch the wooden exterior of the door, it slowly creaked open. Unable to process what just happened, Jaemin stood rooted on the floor, with his hand hanging in midair.

Jeno emerged a scowl on his face and Jaemin was so into him he immediately perked up and awkwardly lowered his hand. With his famous smile, he flashed Jeno his white teeth. 

"Hi, darling!" he said, his voice a little higher than usual. He almost cursed under his breath but didn't, he needed to get himself together and act normal—act like the usual perky and social butterfly Na Jaemin. Jeno leaned on the doorframe with an eyebrow raised. He looked pissed but hot all at the same time. Jaemin wanted to whine and protest, instead, his eyes decided it was better to check Jaemin out.

Jeno was wearing a simple white tee-shirt, his arms were crossed, and his biceps almost ripping his shirt, and when Jaemin trailed lower, he could almost see a peek of the guy's boxer shorts because of his unbuttoned jeans. He gulped.

"Eyes up here Na," Jeno said sternly. Jaemin jumped, and with wide eyes met Jeno's mischievous ones.  _ Oh, the tables have turned.  _

"I— your jeans, wait how did you know I was coming?"

Jeno fought a grin breaking from his face when he answered, “I was in the bath when Renjun texted me.”

Jaemin finally let himself go and cursed. He was supposed to surprise Jeno with his favorite meal which was actually any dish Jaemin cooked for him because they both know how incompetent Jeno is in the kitchen. Sure, he was a smart kid with great athletic skills but his survival rate when it comes to cooking was zero to none. This was why Jaemin was also so whipped for his best friend. He devoured anything Jaemin cooked without any question, unlike his health junky brother. 

The plastic in Jaemin’s other hand rustled and Jeno pointed at it, “The usual?”

Jeno’s voice was still cold but at least he wasn’t ignoring him or worse literally throwing Jaemin out of his apartment and screaming at him to never show his face ever again. Distant Jeno was better.

“Yeah, one last hurrah before you ship your ass to Japan.” 

With a grin, Jaemin lifted the fried chicken he cooked himself. Jeno gestured for him to enter his apartment. Like always, Jaemin felt instantly more at home than his own bedroom back at his and Jaehyun’s apartment. Jeno’s apartment was so small, it only fit a single bed at the far corner by the glass window. Located by the entrance where the small kitchen and another door that led to the bath. Near the makeshift study table, a 24 inch TV was plugged in and the video game was paused. Of course, Lee Jeno would punch his ridiculous controller on his last day in Seoul. 

When Jaemin placed the dish on the counter, Jeno grabbed a plate while Jaemin shimmied out of his sweater and hung it on one of the free chairs. Jeno then faced his best friend with furrowed eyebrows, “What are you really doing here?”

Jaemin inhaled a sharp breath. They were both standing, a few feet away from each other. Jeno was studying him with intense eyes and Jaemin was feeling conscious, terrified, and slightly intrigued because Jeno looked good. His black hair was ruffled in all the right places and his eyes were fierce and sharp like he could topple anyone who punched him with just his looks alone. 

Jaemin stalled, he played with his fingers before answering, “We need to talk.”

“You ruined your chances last night,” Jeno said flatly. Jaemin queried an eyebrow, “Hey you ran away.”

Jeno huffed, and leaned on the counter, “If the man you like said he wasn’t sure if he liked you back or not and was unsure of what he wanted, I bet you would’ve left too.”

Jaemin’s face looked bleak. He bit his lip and replied, “How can we have something when you’re leaving for Japan.” 

It was time to say the truth. He laid himself all out for Jeno to assess. If he wanted something, Jeno could easily say it. If he wanted to stay, Jeno could. He doesn’t need Jaemin to say it. Jaemin does not want to interfere, he does not want to stop Jeno from chasing his dreams and having a serious and wonderful life outside of their own little bubble. It was up to Jeno if he wanted Jaemin to be part of the picture. Even in the end, Jaemin wanted Jeno to be in his, even if they didn’t belong to each other.

"But you left me for Europe," Jeno’s voice trembled. Then, things suddenly escalated differently. Jeno’s face morphed into a mixture of sadness and betrayal. He suddenly walked and shoved Jaemin out of the way before finding himself on his bed. Jaemin tried to reach out for Jeno but he simply denied any sort of contact. Jaemin decided to drag a chair and positioned himself in front of Jeno’s stressed figure. 

For a moment, Jaemin let the silence sit for a while. He basked in the bit of peacefulness before he continued on with their conversation. 

"I wanted to get over you,” he admitted. Jeno’s hand gently plopped to his side, his face looked torn and confused. For the second time, Jaemin extended his hand in order to caress Jeno’s face. Jeno willingly lets him so. Jaemin’s thumb glided through the silky expanse of Jeno’s cheeks. 

Jeno softens in Jaemin’s touch and for the hundredth time their eyes meet. Jeno gave him a small smile and Jaemin returned the favor with an equally warm one. 

“Did you get over me?” Jeno mumbled. Jaemin shook his head, “No darling. It got worse.”

It really did. All Jaemin wanted to do was run back home to Korea and hug Jeno till they both burst into a flame of nothingness.

Jeno chuckled and clutched onto Jaemin’s shirt bringing him closer. “That’s what I like to hear  _ darling,” _ he said with a hint of mocking in his voice. “You left me Na. You have to make up for it,” Jeno whispered while he inched himself closer to Jaemin’s face. 

Jaemin was unsure if he should let go of Jeno or be the braver man and just end this tension with a kiss. He decided that the latter was a little too much given they haven’t really spoken about their supposed agenda. Instead, he taunted the guy, “I already did enough yesterday.”

Jeno growled, “By making things worse.”

“Woah, there darling. How should I know that you liked me too. You weren’t exactly showy,” Jaemin explained. Jeno rolled his eyes but kept their gap close. “Idiot, how could I? When you shift from one person to the next.”

“For the record, I’m beautiful,” he said with his chest out. “If I saw myself I wouldn’t say no either—”

“Okay, that’s it I’m done with you.” Jeno released his grasp and pushed Jaemin away. Amused by what was happening, Jaemin smiled cheekily and then grabbed onto Jeno’s shirt this time, pulling him much closer than before. 

“I hate you,” Jeno muttered with a glare, that wasn’t really convincing because he was eyeing Jaemin’s lips. 

“No you don’t. You love me.”

Jeno drew Jaemin closer, their breath mingling as they stared at each other with eyes that spoke of fiery interest. “I guess I do.”

Jeno kissed him fiercely. It was breathtakingly messy, with grasping hands, lips that could not get enough of each other. As if the kiss was some sort of need and not a want, they were thirsty for it that even for a single second of being apart, they might lose and die. 

Jeno dragged him lower and Jaemin found himself toppling on top of Jeno’s lap. 

_ Oh, how the tables have turned.  _

Jaemin groaned, wrapping his arms around Jeno’s hard body, pressing himself closer to feel Jeno’s clothed figure against his body. Jeno was warm, like a comforting fire on a cold winter night. Jaemin felt safe being with him. Contented, almost. 

Jaemin’s bruised strawberry lips met Jeno’s after they broke free of each other for a little bit of air.  _ Okay, more kissing, no talking _ . Jaemin slowly parted their lips and inserted his tongue in, teasing Jeno. His best friend, his lover— whatever they were, whined in between and snaked one of his hands over Jaemin’s chest, slipping under his shirt, exploring every part of his skin. Then his other hand combed his hair with a soothing and almost lulling pattern.

This time, Jaemin was the one protesting. Jeno was being unfair. Jaemin could feel the little smirk on Jeno’s face through their interlocked lips. “Jeno, darling,” Jaemin gasped in between. This was too much, all too much. 

Yet, he wanted every inch of Jeno.

And Jeno lets him. Jaemin explored every nook and cranny of Jeno’s exposed skin, his neck, his hands, his face. Every part he could kiss Jaemin would drop them like soft raindrops on a cloudy day, but instead of ensuing gloomy moods and sad lo-fi music. Jaemin’s touch was an explosion of supernovas in ten different galaxies. He was the star and Jeno was a lonely planet looking for his own sun. 

Finally, they found each other.

Their lips were still together when Jeno decided to break off and Jaemin found himself, once again, whining. Jeno ignores his pleas and moves to Jaemin’s neck. He sucked hard enough to make Jaemin wither on Jeno’s lap.

“Now we’re equal,” Jeno whispered against Jaemin’s skin making him shiver. A bit hazy and high from lust and happiness, Jaemin threaded his fingers against Jeno’s hair, “I already got two. I only gave you one.”

Jaemin lowered himself and kissed Jeno’s jawline before reaching his neck. He took a soft nip eliciting a husky and heavy moan from Jeno’s mouth and the blood in Jaemin’s head decided it was time to go to a different part of his body. 

“Baby stop,” Jeno huffed in between breaths. Jaemin could feel something hard against his body and Jeno stopped Jaemin from doing something else by enveloping him with a hug. 

“You son of a bitch. You’re cockblocking yourself,” Jaemin gritted through his teeth. Not that the hug was bad, he just wanted to do something  _ more.  _ Jeno chuckled and Jaemin could feel his body vibrate and his erratic heartbeat. This made Jaemin blush. Fuck, Jeno was just nervous as he was.

“We need to talk before we go further,” Jeno said, arms still gripping tightly onto Jaemin. 

With a pout, Jaemin blew one of his bangs out of his eyes and replied, “Yeah well who decided to kiss me first, smartass.” He laid his head on Jeno’s shoulder, this made Jeno smile widely. Tucking into him, Jaemin draped his arm around Jeno’s neck and his fingers played against the dip of his spine in small and soft idle touches. These were the tiny moments that make Jaemin wonder, what the fuck was going on? Was he allowed to do this, were they finally a thing, or was this the last goodbye?

_ No.  _ Jaemin was already too deep in the rabbit hole. He needed to get out of there unscathed as much as possible, even if it meant dragging Jeno to him if he would let him. 

“What are we?” Jeno asked as if he read Jaemin’s mind. Jaemin knew this intimacy had already leaped too far from the lines between friends and lovers. 

After a few quiet breaths, they basked in each other’s presence before Jaemin decided to finally answer, “Will you stay if I want to pursue something more?”

“I can’t say no to my scholarship Na,” Jeno kissed his temple, before stroking his back, with fluttering touches. Jaemin melts into Jeno and sighs graciously.

But that doesn’t stop Jaemin from rambling, “I know. That’s why you should catch that flight tomorrow— I’ll wait for you, we can facetime, call you before I sleep, we have the same timezone so I guess this is easier compared to Europe—”

“Babe,” Jeno mused and Jaemin swore his heart almost broke out of his chest. He could feel his cheeks slowly warming up. Thankfully, his face was still on Jeno’s shoulder, hiding his embarrassment. 

“Can I call you that?” Jeno asked, his voice unsure. 

Despite the nerves that haven’t left him, the question made Jaemin chuckle. Jeno was always being Jeno. “I've been calling you darling since we were kids,” he mused.

Jeno laughed “But you call everyone darling.”

“Okay fine you can call me babe,  _ babe. _ ”

“Babe, okay babe,” the nickname rolled out of Jeno’s tongue so naturally that Jaemin could not help but grin like a fool. “Stop freaking out. It's too cute. It makes me want to stay even more.”

Jenno let go of his grip around Jaemin’s body. Now, they were face to face, no running away, they needed to be upfront with each other. Jaemin noticed Jeno’s eyes were downcasted, he looked sad but the smile on his face said otherwise, yet Jaemin was as unsure as his boyfriend was. 

“I promise I’ll return to you,” Jeno kissed his cheek softly. 

“I’ll visit you when I can,” he replied with a sigh.

“Jaemin…” Jeno trailed a hint of worry in his voice. Jeno knows of Jaemin’s situation, heck they were even in the same status in life. They were both barely surviving the capitalistic leadership of the world. 

“I’ll work part-time jobs and ask Jaehyun if he could lend me some money,” Jaemin firmly said. His family wasn’t entirely broke but then again the only family Jaemin has left is his brother, no one else. Even if Jaehyun was a well-paid model, he already has enough on his shoulders—Jaemin’s college tuition, their apartment, and their basic necessities. An extemporaneous trip to Japan was probably out of his list for now, but he’ll find a way. He needs to.

“You don’t need to,” Jeno said with finality. He cupped Jaemin’s face and gently swiped a finger across his cheek. “We only have two more years of undergrad baby. You can wait.”

_ Baby _ , _ okay what the fuck Lee Jeno? Just because we made out a few times, declared our undying love for each other, you cannot just drop multiple nicknames all in one go. It was too unfair. _

Jaemin pouted, “Uhm no. I have waited for this since I was fifteen. I am not letting you slip away from me without having cute dates, raunchy kisses, and mind-blowing sex.”

Out of nowhere, Jeno burst into a fit of laughter. His body curling like he was being tickled, his eyes crinkling and his nose scrunching cutely, melted Jaemin’s heart. He smiled fondly and pecked his boyfriend’s cheek. Jaemin was definitely high on the fact that now he can touch Jeno’s hand without any question or kiss him without any regrets.  _ Fuck, this is living the life.  _

“Babe, if you waited for five years you can survive the next two,” Jeno wheezed. Jaemin wiped the tear that was fighting to get out of Jeno’s eyes but was unable to because of his long lashes. 

“Fine, but I am flying to you. Not immediately but I will.” Jaemin expected a protest from Jeno but the guy simply grinned and replied, “Okay, I’ll wait for you.” 

“Great, now give me a kiss before I start crying,” Jaemin sniffled. Jeno just said that he’ll wait for him. What the hell, this was better than what he was expecting. He really wanted to cry but he’s trying to fight the sting that he was feeling not only in his eyes but as well in his chest. No matter he was happy at the moment, Jeno was leaving tomorrow. His things were already packed, the only signs of living in the small apartment were his bedsheet, his console, and cutlery. Other than that, everything else was in boxes and his suitcase. This was their reality, a long-distance relationship.

Jeno’s eyes softened, he gently kissed Jaemin’s lips. It was so delicate that Jaemin almost inched closer for more. “You can cry,” Jeno whispered against his lips. Despite Jeno’s serene and comforting voice, Jaemin decided it was better to do it alone, in his bedroom while Jaehyun sleeps. Instead, with a pliant voice, he finally said something he always wanted to say.

“I love you.” 

With his lips trembling, Jeno found Jaemin’s hand and kissed his palms. “Me too babe. I love you so much. Trust me, we can make this work. 

“Okay.”

It might not be the perfect ending for Na Jaemin but as long as he can have Jeno in his life, by side, as his best friend, partner-in-crime, and his lover, he won’t let some stupid body of water and airfare separate the two of them. He knows when the right time comes he’ll return in Jeno’s arms.

“Wait,” Jaemin stuttered before Jeno swiped him once again with a kiss. It was a question gnawing at the back of his mind which he might have forgotten thanks to unexpected kisses. 

“Did we have sex after your farewell party?” He winced and watched Jeno’s sexy face turn into his usual playful, soft features, “If it makes you feel better, I fell off your bed that night.”

Jaemin’s left eyebrow perked in question, “So we did or didn’t? Wait we didn’t?” Jeno nodded. “Oh thank god. I wanted to do it with you sober,” after saying it Jaemin’s hand flew directly to his mouth. “You weren’t supposed to know that.”

Jeno smirked then licked his lips, “well, we can change that.”

Once again, Jeno kissed Jaemin and this time, Jaemin prayed to the heaven’s above that Jeno would stop cockblocking. 

Then again, he wouldn’t mind if things don’t escalate. He’s fine with kissing. As long as Jeno’s in his life, he knows he’ll be fine. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> [ twt ](https://twitter.com/strayjeno)  
> buy me [ kofi ](https://ko-fi.com/panarcadia)


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